Here Are The 6 Steps To Being Irresistible To Any Girl You Want

Having the job I do and being the age I am results on me spending A LOT of time on the interwebs. The thing is, once you’ve browsed through the initial blanket of porn and memes, there’s not much left to it. When the internet ran dry for me, that’s when I decided I needed a girlfriend.

But who could I turn to? My friends?! Error 404 page not found, if you know what I mean. No, I’d have to learn from the internet. And learn from the internet is exactly what I did. I took advice from the like of Reddit and 4Chan to find out what girls really want and, I have to say, it went swimmingly.

Step one: Negging

So I’d heard a lot about negging. That’s when you insult a woman or something to make them want to get off with you. This is what I took from it…

You see a girl in a bar and you think “hey, she’s pretty tasty.” What you want to do is walk up to her, make sure she sees you slowly look her up and down and then (this bit’s very important) tut loudly. She’ll probably ask you something like “Is there something wrong?” to which you’ll reply, in a cavalier tone, “your clothes are stupid and I hate you.”

Then, before she has a chance to reply, walk away. This will immediately put her on the back foot and, in no time, you’ll see her number in your phone.

Step two: Texting

OR SHOULD I SAY SEXTING LOL?!

You see a lot of text exchanges going viral for some reason, I can only assume it’s because they end very well for both parties.

After leaving it a while before texting her - because you’re not needy - when you finally get a chance, ask her on a date immediately.

I used what I saw online and I don’t even need to tell you how well it worked - I can just show you!

Just know that she wants you, she just might not know it straight away. It’s your job to remind her by pretending to be a dick.

Step 3: Actual sexting

Redditor, MightyPussySlammer, says that you want to know what you’re in for. Of course you do, you’re a rational thinking man! That’s why, after a couple of messages back and forth, you need to get in there and ask for nudes.

With the pictures under your belt, you’ll know whether you want to give this girl your sex. Also, make sure you send them to all of your friends and put them on the internet just so everyone knows that you’re a cool and manly man!

*if she says no, tell her she’s frigid. She’ll have to prove that she isn’t*

Step 5: Dick Picks

So I read on a bodybuilding thread that girls LOVE dick picks. I guess it makes total sense, when you think about it. They say the key is being confident.

Also, make sure they never see the dick pics coming (lol). You want to throw them into the mix when they least expect it. Guess what? It works!

 

Step 5: Being a boyfriend

Weirdly there isn’t a lot of stuff on Bodybuilding forums and 4Chan about actually having a girlfriend but I managed to scrape together some advice. Drop the tough guy act now. You’ve won her heart and now you need to make her forget what life without you is like. Don’t be afraid to tell her you love her very early on either. If you get few replies from her, know that she’s probably just doting over you at her house. If she continues to not reply, send more texts.

Step 6: Mention your ex a lot to keep your girlfriend on her toes

Bring up your ex-girlfriend at least twice a day to make sure your current girlfriend knows that you’re experienced, sensitive and that she has to compete.

Do not be afraid to go into extreme detail!

Works every time.

So there you have it - pro dating tips from the internet tried and tested by me, Alfie Powell. Some of you are probably thinking “this guy’s all talk” “no way can he be that smooth just by using the internet!” Well, I’ve got news for you, buddy, I’ve been with my girlfriend for two weeks now and it’s getting pretty serious. Here I am with her earlier today…

Yes, I hover-hand my girlfriend. I’ve got a little thing called respect. God I love her.