This Is The Unconventional Way I Managed To Beat A Polygraph Test

I know you won’t believe me if I start this article by telling you that there is nothing in this world that I am worse at than lying… but it’s true.

I’m so bad, in fact, that I actually gave up even trying to lie by the time I was nine. I developed a life technique (which has proved to be very handy) called ‘don’t do/say anything you aren’t willing to admit to later on’.

Now that I’m an adult (kind of), I can tell the occasional white lie - but people can often still tell I’m telling porkies. Useless.

I weirdly really enjoy films about undercover agents, because I can’t help but find the idea of being able to lie so wholeheartedly seriously fascinating. Now, arguably one of the most renowned undercover agents has to be a certain badass gentleman by the name of Robert Mazur.

(Photo: CNBC)

He was undercover for five years, and took on the persona of Bob Musella, a wealthy businessman and money launderer. Thanks to the evidence he gathered, and the bust he held at his own fake wedding - more than eighty men and women were charged across the world.

His story has been made into a film starring Bryan Cranston, which has translated onto the silver screen as a gripping thriller that you can’t help but struggle to believe isn’t fiction. I personally can’t even lie about eating my housemate’s chocolate, but Mazur built a web of lies so believable that he was accepted into the heart of Pablo Escobar’s cartel.

So, thoroughly inspired, I was sent off to see if I could beat a lie detector test. Obviously.

I was instructed to pick one item out of five offered and put it into a numbered envelope. I put a pen knife into envelope 4. I then repeated that to myself multiple times and tried to lie to myself about which one I had put it in. Even I didn’t believe me.

(Photo: Sarah / helloU)

I was hooked up to the Polygraph machine, my heart racing before I’d even had the chance to start lying. The thought of lying was enough to make my palms sweat.

“Don’t move, don’t cough, sneeze or clear your throat,” the technician instructed. I began to reconsider the life choices that had led me to this.

We did some control questions, and then started on the real questions. He started by trying to figure out the item first, and then moved onto the envelope. There was lots of waiting. The kind of waiting you don’t enjoy when in a basement, hooked up to a polygraph machine and facing an eerily white wall. There was a 40 second wait between each question, but it felt like hours.

“Was it the knife?” he asked, a few questions into the test. “No,” I lied. I was faced away from him, but I got ‘I know you’re lying’ vibes from his general direction. Suddenly I was ashamed, on top of already being deathly nervous.

By the time we started going through the questions about the envelopes, my stress levels were so high that I thought I was about to break into a cold sweat. Here I was, someone who literally never lies, trying to lie to a polygraph machine and an expert lie detecting technician.

He didn’t ask the questions in numerical order, and somehow my anxiety hitched up further. He asked about envelope 2 first, my heart sunk. What would he ask next? How can I emotionally prepare myself to lie when I don’t know when it’s coming?

“Was it envelope 4?” he asked, I responded no. My face said otherwise. I could feel my pulse racing.

(Photo: Sarah / helloU)

“Was it envelope 5?” I pondered quickly before responding “Yes,” as convincingly as I could. My intonation made it sound more like a question. If both of my arms weren’t wired up, I would have covered my face in shame.

The test was finished, he pondered over my reading for a moment and asked:

“Was it in envelope 3?”

A miracle. I had done it.

I told him he was wrong, he looked incredulous. “So was it 5?” he asked, so I told him it was four. He showed me the readings.

It was then that I realised I hadn’t beaten it by remaining beautifully calm and collected - I had beaten it by getting so stressed about the whole thing and lying so badly that it basically looked like I was lying the whole way through.

Great job, Sarah.

He also hadn’t expected me to say yes to any of the questions, which also threw him off, so I guess I can count that one as an actual intentional victory.

So basically, I beat a lie detector test by being the worst liar in the world.

Check out the video here:

The Infiltrator is out in cinemas from the 16th of September.

Do you think you could beat a lie detector test? Let us know in the comments

Lie detector provided by Lie Detectors UK