The Sex Positions Women Apparently Hate, And Why It’s Complete Bullshit
I like sex.
Not only is it a nice way to pass the time before inevitable death, but it also often results in an orgasm, described by Google as “the climax of sexual excitement, characterized by intensely pleasurable feelings centered in the genitals”, and described by me as an “err yeah, pretty bloody great, thanks.”
Which is why it annoys me that Men’s Health have published a ridiculous study, apparently taken from a survey conducted on Women’s Health, which claims that women basically hate sex. Now the way they’ve positioned it is that “these are the top 5 positions that we women hate”. But they also happen to just be the top 5 positions that people do when doing the whole sex thing, so if my maths is right, they’re kind of saying we just hate sex….
Doggy Style
So according to the survey, women hate doggy style because of the pain caused by men essentially “ramming into [their] cervix.” HA. Even if you’re sleeping with someone with a schlong that reminds you of a baby elephant, the likelihood of them ever physically ramming your cervix (how unsexy is that phrase) is insane. Like scientifically not possible insane, because the cervix is a tiny weeny little hole, that only opens up to let a baby out. If you’re experiencing pain during sex, he’s either going too hard and you should ask him to stop, you’re not using enough lube or you could be suffering from an STD. So firstly go get yourself checked out, and then engage in some sweet K9.
Woman on Top
OK, this one has got me seriously riled up. According to Men’s Health in 2016, women don’t like being on top because of “one word: insecurity.” Apparently, we just can’t stand how our stomachs and breasts might look like when we’re riding the pony, and “even if though you think she looks like a rock star, even the tiniest shred of doubt can put out her fire.” I can accept that some ladies maybe have (completely unfounded) concerns about their bodies, so the solution should be - surely to God - to tell your “woman” how hot she is, and to jump on your gear stick faster than Jeremy Clarkson. But according, to this article the answer is instead to lay her on her side, so you can’t see her wobbly bits, and give her a good sporking:
“Slot yourself between her legs at a 90-degree angle and ease inside her. This way, her legs will form the tines of a spork utensil.”
There are no words.
Reverse Cowgirl
Sometimes you have to mix things up (I mean not in the world of this survey, where women are sex emos) and that’s what reverse cowboy is for. But according to Men’s Health, we hate this because “not everything fits when she’s riding in reverse.” Like, fits where? In our handbags? The real reason though doesn’t seem to be our awkward vaginas, but actually a fear that the penis could actually break in this position: “In other words, you can break your junk.” The solution… “If you’re in it for the view, switch to doggy.The fits more practical.”
But wait? I thought we hated doggy because it was ramming into our cervix? This sex stuff is getting far too confusing.
Missionary
Oh my god, missionary’s out of the window too. I’m going to sack off my boyfriend and stick to masturbation. Why? Because it “doesn’t hit the right spots… and if you’re on the smaller end of the spectrum, this position doesn’t really accentuate your size.” Fair enough, but still, the notion of women hating missionary is just MENTAL.
69
I hate 69-ering. It just reminds me of when I was young and being very drunk whilst trying to be cool and kinky and falling off my boyfriends bed and spraining my wrist in the process. But weirdly, this isn’t the reason why all women hate it. It’s because we can’t “focus on receiving pleasure when we have to concentrate on giving it.” Nothing about the prospect of having someone’s dick, balls and arsehole incredibly close to your face then. And, now Men’s Health are telling us women can’t multi-task, they can’t even stick to their own sexist stereotypes….
So there we have it girls. Grab that chastity belt, lock it up and throw away the key because you are never going to enjoy sex. Unless it’s in some kind of Karma Sutra position, I assume.
Images via iStock